Mainly girl problems so ya i going to start with the first:
There is this girl i am going to give her the nick name "Magenta", we wore going out during the month of January. We went out a few time even seemed to click but out of no where she just called me weird and gave me attitude so i decided to cut my looses and not talk to her again. though she did talk to me for a little bit about her guy problems later on which i should have just hung up on her.
This girl which i will name "Copy" wasn't someone i was interested because she was so flaky, But i liked having her as a friend. On Valentines week i couldn't find anyone to go with so i was a little bumbed so i wanted to hang out with Copy but when i went up to her in the hall she was like avoiding me really bad and eventually told me to leave. The next day i called her to see whats up and she said she could not be friends anymore because the guy she was dating didn't like it. This has happen to me in the past so it really ticked me off. now we don't speak and i have one less person in my life. At least i met someone the night i was really mad though i never see her because she works 60 hours a week and drinks the remaining hours. Its kinda worse sense she is 26 and like this so it probably a life style and not a phase. Her mom does drink also and i don't know if i want to get into this because i have had some bad experiences with my family and alcohol.
I found out some information about my Web Tech and Android Class. I asked the teacher what kind of graphics we would be doing in Android which was the entire point of taking this class and he said we are not doing graphics and he does even know how to program for android. I am already stuck in this class so i can't drop it. This was a really big disappointment.
Another thing i feel like my friends from UTSA are leaving me behind i am no longer invited to many of the gathering and seem to look down on me sometimes about the dismissal. i feel like i don't have the pear support anymore like i use to. I guess its really my fault i should have tried harder to stay at UTSA, but i really did try though. i studied pretty often didn't party to much. but i will try harder when i get back. i believe this is a big part of my depression.
You know this is the first time in a blog that i referred to myself as depressed i don't even think i have said it in real life. I think because being someone with depression scares me. When i was younger someone in my family very close to me shoot herself because she didn't know how to deal with her depression, luckily she made it alive, i don't know how i would have grown up without her. Now she has to take anti depressants and always seems miserable and i don't want to be like that. So i try my best to be happy but for some reason i have not been able to keep a constant happiness for a while now. I am trying to go see a therapist about it but still have some health insurance issues to figure out. I am sorry if i look angry all the time but i am not i am actually sad and don't want to look sad around anyone i know. So when ever i feel sadness coming on i think angry thoughts to make sure i don't tear up or look depressed.
I have been working out like crazy not only to loose weight but i heard working out makes you feel better you know because of the endorphin thing. It does not seem to help much on either of my goals . The only thing i noticed is that i am a little more aggressive and my legs bigger.
I dropped Cal III
I'm going with the nickname Lana for this next one. Me and Lana have been hanging out for a few weeks now. We get along well and even went on a date. This past Friday i asked her if she would like a second date and she said probably not. Then Sunday i see Lana is now in a relationship. I am not mad at her she has the choice to be with who ever she wants to be with. But i am still sad, i think i let my hopes get up so its my fault for thinking there might be more when there was not. The problem is that i last year if i get into this situation again i can not hang out with her anymore unless we date again. I did this to protect myself, sense i have been hurt several times before from something like this.
Though i am somewhat mad at this next girl who should have been out of my life two years ago i will call her Lambda. Two years ago i was kinda seeing this girl Lambda. I knew she was seeing some other guy who she eventually picked, so i cut my looses stop talking to her. Well last night out of the blue while i was already having a crappy day she calls. She calls to ask if i want to hang out with her boyfriend because he needs more friends and thinks we would get along because we have the same personality. I told her no but she still keeps bugging me about it. I just want to say "No i DON'T want to hang out with your boyfriend you stupid Bitch!!!" but i am much to polite to for that. I wish i could though because i think it would feel awesome at this point. I don't know what she is trying to accomplish; is she trying to get me to be a really awkward 3rd wheal with them or just trying to rub this in my face. I think its the first reason but both suck. I have three questions for Lambda one why would she think i am okay with this?; two how is she okay with this? if i wore in her shoes i would not want someone i dated hanging out with my boyfriend especially if that person was the other person at first; and three is he okay with this? i am pretty sure he knew she was dating me and him at the same time before they got together. Oh by the way she bears the name i want to give my daughter and she is might make me resent that name if she keeps asking about me hanging out with her boyfriend.
When i travel alone many people ask why don't i take someone with me, and i usually tell them i had no one to go with and there next question is why don't you get a girlfriend. I really wish people would stop asking this, i know they don't mean any harm but it just reminds me that i don't have anyone. I do try to find girls and date them as you can see from other blogs and this one but it just hasn't worked out yet. The last time i was in a relationship was four years ago, and i haven't told many people this but she had another "real" boyfriend while she was with me And i even dated someone for almost a year but they seem to embarrassed to call me there boyfriend so that ended. And for travelling alone i really do wish i had someone with me to share the memories and the experiences with. It makes me really sad that even though it means a free trips a girl still does not want to be with me. For my upcoming Berlin trip i even had to ask to see if a escort would go with me just so i would not be alone when i go over there.
P.S. One of my closest friends went to mexico to visit her boyfriend so i kind of mis her and i am worried about her
P.S.S. i have a important Programming Competition coming up and have been worrying about that too.
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